Five Night's at Evan's
by blazingalex
Summary: Evan finally gets a job! And at the original Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria nonetheless. Evan's friends also show up time-to-time, adding to the humor Evan already faces with Freddy, Bonnie, Chica, Foxy, and Golden Freddy. Rated M for adult humor and crude jokes.


**Hello, blazingalex here. IT IS HERE! THE NEW STORY HAS ARRIVED! EXCLAMATION POINTS!**

**WARNING: Adult jokes and crude humor are present. This is rated M for inappropriate jokes. I do NOT own FNaF or have any personal relationship with Vanoss (a.k.a. Evan) and/or with his friends. Enjoy.**

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><p>Night 1: Initiation<p>

"Welcome to Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria, where you can eat, sing, and have a great time with Freddy Fazbear and his pals!" A young, blonde woman shouted with joy at a young man.

"Uh, heh-heh, uh, thanks," he chuckled nervously. "Anyways, um, I'm here for a job interview. M-my name's Evan-"

"Oh, boy! A new night watchman! Ooh, I hope you get the job!"

"Uh, yeah, s-so do I."

"Oh, almost forgot. Here." She shoved her hand into her pocket and pulled out a bag of earplugs.

"What're these for?"

"I heard Foxy's screeches can get very loud at night. These should keep them eardrums safe."

"Wait, Foxy?" Wasn't he shut down, like, over thirty years ago?"

"No, dear. He's still operational. After that bite, it was decided by some high-powered men that shutting him down would be cruel, so they placed an 'Out of Order' sign over by Pirate Cove just so he can feel guilty. Some people claim to have heard him crying behind that curtain. That he really didn't mean to bite the kid."

"O-kay. And the part about the screeching?"

"Rumor has it that his screeches are a warning. Warning anyone in the building after dark that the Golden One is coming."

"Uh, 'the Golden One?'"

"Whelp, no time to dilly-dally! You have an interview to go to! Good luck!" She shoved the Asian-Canadian away so she could greet some guests.

"Bitch," Evan muttered. He turned around and started walking towards the back when someone stopped him.

"Evan, hey!" He turned around.

"Oh, hey Tyler! What's up? What're you doing here?"

"Well, you see, when I was a young boy, my father took me into the city to see Freddy Fazbear." Evan looked at his friend with a confused look on his face.

"Did you just-did you rip off 'Welcome to the Black Parade?'"

"I did? Whelp, that's a lawsuit. It was nice knowing you, Evan. See ya!" Tyler left, leaving Evan EXTREMELY confused. Shaking his head, the twenty-something man or whatever. I don't know his fucking age, I'm just a narrator. Hey! Shut up! You look at someone and guess their exact age! Yeah, that's what I thought. It's difficult. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah.

Shaking his head, Evan approached the door to the office and knocked.

"Who's there?" A gruff voice asked from the other side.

"Uh, my name's Evan," he responded. "I'm here for the job interview."

"Come on in." Evan looked at the door.

"Uh, sir? I can't get in."

"C'mon, you can do it. It's unlocked."

"No, I really don't think I can. All there that's there is a small keyhole."

"Jesus Christ, Kid." The door opened and Freddy Fazbear himself stood there. "Didn't Shelia give you the key to the door?"

"Um, no. She just wished me good luck."

"Fucking moron. Anyways come on in and sit down." Evan entered the room and looked around. Pictures of the gang hung on the walls.

"You, uh, must love the animatronics."

"Yeah, yeah, let's get started." They both sat down on either side of a desk. "My name is Freddy Fazbear and welcome to Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria. So you want to be the new night watchman, huh? Well, since you're the only interview, you got it. Here's your hat and keys." Freddy tossed the items at Evan. "Your shift starts at midnight and ends at six. Now, during that time, you will be monitoring surveillance, making sure everything's in order. Now, my friends and I will be wandering around the place, and that's okay. Foxy will get loud at night, so have some earplugs with you. If you want to, you can walk around, just stay out of the kitchen. Goldilocks doesn't like people in there. Any questions?"

"Um…"

"Good, see you at midnight." Freddy got up and left, leaving Evan with no idea what to do.

"Uh, was that really Freddy Fazbear?" He asked aloud.

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><p>11:50 p.m. or something<p>

Evan was on a table fast asleep when someone shook him awake.

"Hmm? What?" He asked groggily, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

"Wake up, sweetie," a soothing voice whispered. "Time for your shift." Evan looked up and saw Chica, but with boobs.

"HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE ALIVE!"

"Uh, yeah. We all are thanks to an A.I. Back when Freddy Fazbear was a human, he designed personalities for each one of us in this specific restaurant, until his death. He lives on in the Freddy you see here."

"Hey, Chica!" Bonnie shouted, approaching the two. "Do you know where the broom is? I can't find it anywhere." Evan fell back onto the table and passed out. "Who's he?"

"That's Evan, our brave, new night watchman."

"Uh-huh. Anyways, broom?"

"By the front desk."

"Thanks." They both looked back at Evan. Slowly, Bonnie reached up and cupped one of Chica's boobs. She turned around and slapped him across the face.

"Pervert!" Bonnie ran, holding onto his face in pain. Chica then turned back to Evan, who was now waking up. "You okay, there?"

"Ugh, what happened?" Evan asked, holding his head.

"You fainted," a gruff voice answered. Freddy approached the two. "C'mon, I need to show you your office." The bear led Evan down a hall to a small room.

"Is this a broom closet?"

"No, that's across the hall. Now, this is your office. You can decorate it how you want. Cameras are displayed on this here large ass TV and this tablet." He held up and iPad. "You also are given a pistol. I don't know why it's even here. Mike, our last watchman, left it here. Yeah, he got fired for messing around with us. He added those knockers you saw on Chica. Personally, I think it's awesome, but Chica would kill me if I said that. I caught Mike trying to fuck up Foxy's voice. Fired him on the spot. Any questions?"

"Uh…"

"Good. I'll be back around 6:00 to pick up your remains. Goodnight." He left, leaving Evan standing in his new office holding the iPad and his weapon.

"What? The fuck?"

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><p>1:15 a.m.<p>

Evan sat in the corner of the office, cowering and pointing the gun at the door. Foxy's screeches pounded his ears.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Was the only noise that filled the air. Bonnie tried to check on Evan earlier, but was almost shot out of fear. Nobody bothered to check on him since.

As Evan sat in the corner, shaking, footsteps could be heard out in the hall, running towards him. the Asian-Canadian readied himself, pointing the gun at a certain height.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Foxy ran into the office.

BANG!

Evan pulled the trigger, sending a bullet directly into Foxy's neck.

"Ack!" Foxy began to hack and cough violently. "Ahem. Ah, it seems I'm able to communicate again. Splendid." He sounded extremely British.

"Uh, aren't you supposed to be a pirate?" Evan asked.

"What? Oh, bugger. It seems your firearm as altered my voice box. Perhaps if we damaged it again, I should speak normally." Evan pointed the pistol at Foxy again. "Give it a go, old chap."

BANG!

More coughs from the fox.

"Crickey, mate! That hurts more than that bite!"

"Nope, that's Australian."

BANG!

"HORY SHET! SHTAHP!"

"Now that's just racist."

BANG!

"Please! Stop! I'm beggin' ye!"

"Okay, I'll stop. By the way, you're back to normal."

"Ah, thank ye, matey!" He draped an arm around Evan.

"Uh, Foxy?"

"Yes?"

"Can you get your hook out of my shoulder?"

"Oh, sorry." He yanked the hook out, leaving a hole.

"ARGH!" Evan clutched the puncture would in an attempt to stop the bleeding. Chica came running in with a First-Aid kit.

"Is anyone hurt?" She asked.

"Oh, NOW you come in. As if those five gunshots weren't loud enough."

"Aye, there wer' four shots," Foxy said.

BANG!

"Five."

"Well, sorry for trying to avoid bullets. Now, do you want my help with that bleeder or not?" Chica asked.

"Yes, please." Chica grabbed Evan and turned him around.

"You just need a bandage." She reached into the kit and pulled out a Band-Aid; placing the adhesive over his wound. "Better?"

"Kinda." She got up and turned to Foxy.

"I see you got your voice back."

"Yarg!" Foxy exclaimed. He received a punch in his jaw.

"You're still not entertaining kids." She left as Foxy sat down into the chair and began crying. Evan got up and put his hand onto the pirate's shoulder.

"Aw, what's wrong?" Evan asked. Foxy looked up at him, sniffling. Sniffling? Now wait a minute! I know for a FACT that robots can't cry, let alone have mucus. You know what? I quit this narrating job! This shit is too fucked up!

… … …

Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! I got the job! Hi, guys! My name's WILDCAT and I'm your new narrator. Oh, hey Evan! … Oh, he can't hear me? That's a damn shame. Anyhoo, um…shit, what was I gonna say? Oh, yeah. Foxy.

Foxy looked up at Evan, sniffling. I sound like fucking Batman. *gargling noises*

"Ar, I miss the young 'un's," he replied. "I didn't mean to bite 'im. 'E stuck 'is arm in me jaw and gave me an uppercut."

"Foxy?"

"Yes?"

"You're moving away from your pirate voice. Do I have to shoot you again?"

"Uh, no, not necessary. Um, I'll go back to my place now." He ran out the door. Evan got up and sat in his chair, leaning back and putting his feet up.

RING!

Phone, Evan!

RING!

He picked up the receiver.

"Hello?"

"Welcome to the night watch," a voice familiar to Evan said. He seemed to have trouble reading. "As you may already be aware of, the robots wander around at night. Don't worry. They won't kill-"

"Delirious?"

"Vanoss? What're you doing there?"

"I work here. Apparently YouTube isn't a real job, according to my dad, so I got a job here. I never even this place was real! I just thought it was a game!"

"I know! I'm working dayshift and was told to give you a call 'cause you're the new guy."

"You live here, too! Jesus, I just ran into WILDCAT earlier." Hi, Evan! Up here! "So, uh, what's the reason you called?"

"Just to welcome you to the team, that's all. Goodnight!"

"Night, Delirious." He hung up and picked up his iPaddle-iPad. I mean, uh i-iPad. Ah, screw it. Let's just skip ahead a couple of hours.

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><p>4:46 a.m.<p>

"Evan!" Chica called. "We got something for you!"

"Is it a cake?" Evan asked.

"H-how did you know?"

"I have a nose, perhaps?" He left his office and wandered down to the dining area. "What's the cake for?" Bonnie jumped out.

"For surviving your first night," he answered. "Most people shoot themselves around 2:00. So, congratulations!"

"Thanks, guys."

"Yeah, well, you earned it," Freddy said. "Just because you're alive doesn't mean I have to clean up any blood, making my job a bit easier. Anyways, we whipped this up just for you. Hope you like chocolate. Now-"

"Freddy?" Chica interrupted. "Can you just shut up?" She turned to Evan. "Well, dig in!"

"Thank you, guys. So much."

"Shut the fuck up and eat the damn cake!" Bonnie ordered.

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><p><strong>Now, this isn't exactly a straight-up parody, just humorous. Remember to review and PM me if you want me to add anything to the story. blazingalex, out!<strong>


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